Alternate Gift
by snakes
Summary: Basically a Spike and Dawn story. Changes the ending of 'The Gift' episode. But then how much abuse can one vampire take?
1. Intro

Intro/Alternate Ending

(This starts near the end of 'The Gift'.Everything else would be the same, but the ending is changed.)

Spike hit the ground with a force that would have killed an ordinary man.As it was, he was cut and bruised and had suffered a few broken ribs.It took a few moments for him to regain his senses.He shook away the fog in his head and quickly realized with a terrible shock that Doc was still up on the platform with Dawn, ready to begin the bloodletting ritual.Spike dragged himself to his feet, and ignoring the pain coursing through his entire body, ran back to the top of the stairs.

Doc saw Spike return."Didn't get enough the first time, boy?Back for more?"Spike glared at Doc and growled, "I won't let you hurt her."Doc chuckled, "It's a bit too late for that.The blood is already running."Spike looked past Doc to where the terrified Dawn was tied, bleeding from several cuts.A great fury ran through Spike, awakening the demon he'd been keeping suppressed.As his face changed, he launched himself at Doc like an enraged animal.The struggle was short.In his intense rage, Spike slammed Docs head against the platform, then broke his neck and threw the body from the platform.

Spike ran to untie Dawn.He grabbed her by the arm to pull her away with him.Dawn pulled back and gasped, "NO!".A confused Spike looked back at Dawn."What do you mean, No?!We've got to get out of here NOW!"Dawn shook her head."No, I can't.It's already started.The portals are opening.I have to go!"She tried to pull away from Spike to move towards the opening portals.She intended to throw herself in, to end her life, stop the bleeding, and close the portals.The realization of what she was doing hit Spike hard, and he grabbed her, lifted her into his arms and held her tightly so she couldn't pull away.Then he ran.Without thinking, just ran, as fast as he could back towards where Buffy and the Scooby Gang waited.He'd almost made it to the top of the steps when the burst of energy knocked him and Dawn to the floor.The portal had closed, very suddenly, the shock of closure had knocked Spike off his feet.

The scoobies made their way up the tower, to find a bleeding Dawn crying over an unconscious Spike.When they'd seen the portal close, they'd feared the worst.Yet here Dawn was, alive, and no hell dimension in sight.Buffy fell to her knees to hug Dawn.They held each other, afraid to let go.Buffy finally decided it was best if they all got out of there.The tired fighters headed back towards the magic shop, Buffy and Giles carrying the unconscious vampire.They stopped by the cemetery to lay Spike in his crypt.Dawn started shaking and crying again."We can't just leave him here!He saved my life!And he's hurt!"Buffy looked her sister in the eyes and said much more confidently than she felt, "He'll be fine.Vampires heal fast.He'll. be. fine. But it's almost daylight. We can't safely take him any farther. I'll come back and check on him later, ok?".Buffy held her sister close."I…I guess so.", Dawn managed to choke out between her sobs.Buffy kept one arm around her sister's shoulders and guided the girl back to the rest of the group and back on towards the shop.Dawn looked back until Spike's crypt was out of view.

Back at the shop, they collapsed around the table.Buffy looked at Giles."So, what closed the portals?Dawn is alive.She was still bleeding when we found her.The portals closed.How?!"Giles, took off his glasses and began wiping them, seeming very nervous."I don't know."Buffy glared at him. "You know what you told us.Now tell me how the portals closed without… without what you said you would happen!"She was practically screaming.Everyone looked at Buffy and at Dawn rather uncomfortably.Giles had been standing by the table, but now he too sat down hard into a chair."I… I think…""WHAT?", yelled Buffy."YOU THINK WHAT?"Giles couldn't look at either of the sisters."I… may have overlooked something.""OVERLOOKED SOMETHING?!"Buffy was practically hysterical.

Finally, Giles sighed, "The ritual required the blood to spill in a certain spot, as well as at a certain time.I think that when Spike got Dawn far enough away from the portal… well… at least as far as the location of the lock for the portals was concerned… the blood had stopped flowing."He finally looked up and saw the anger in Buffy's eyes."I'm sorry, Buffy.""How did Spike know to get me away from the 'lock'?", Dawn asked quietly, confused by the whole exchange between Giles and Buffy.Giles shook his head, "I don't think he did.He was just trying to save you… and was lucky".Buffy stood up."Come on Dawn.We're going home.We both need to get some rest."Buffy led her sister out of the shop and headed for home without looking back.


	2. Part 2

Part 2

Both sisters fell exhausted onto their beds almost immediately and slept until well into the afternoon.Buffy was up first.She remembered the promise she'd made to her sister that morning, to check up on Spike, but even with the danger past, she was nervous about leaving Dawn alone.Dawn had been through hell the past few days, and Buffy wanted someone there with her.Buffy decided to call Willow, and Willow and Tara agreed to come stay with Dawn while Buffy went out.When they got there, Buffy pulled them aside to talk to them away from where Dawn could hear.

"I know you probably wouldn't say anything, but just want to make sure.Don't say anything around Dawn about, well, you know… Giles… being willing to kill her… everyone thinking she had to be…", she trailed off.

"No, of course we won't, Buffy." 

"Good.She so does not need to know that."Buffy went over and hugged her sister."I'm going out for a little while.I won't be long".

Dawn just nodded.

Buffy didn't say where she was going.She was a little afraid of what she might find, and just in case, she hoped Dawn wouldn't think to ask about Spike real soon.Dawn seemed really fragile right now, and Buffy didn't fancy having to tell her if Spike was dust.

Buffy stopped by the butcher's to purchase some blood, and then headed off to Spike's crypt.When she got there, she started to push the door open to go in, but for once stopped herself.She called through the partially open door, "Spike, it's Buffy.Can I come in?"When no reply was forthcoming, she called again, "Spike?"Finally, she opened the door the rest of the way and went in.Spike was laying on his bed, not moving.*Well, it _is_ still the middle of the day.Not surprising he's asleep, I guess.*She moved quietly so as not to wake him.He had been the most seriously injured of any of them, and she figured he definitely needed his rest.She put the blood she'd brought into his fridge, then quietly made her way back out.

Buffy got back to her house."Hi Will.How's Dawn doing?"

"OK, I guess.She hasn't really said much, but she ate a bit, and she's not freaking out or anything.That's good, right?"

Buffy looked over at her sister, who was curled up around a pillow on the couch and sitting staring quietly at the wall."Yeah, I think she just needs some time.Thank you for staying with her.You too, Tara."Tara smiled kind of sadly back at Buffy.

Willow and Tara let themselves out, and Buffy went over to sit by Dawn.Buffy stroked Dawn's hair.Dawn quickly looked up at her."Did you check on Spike?You said you would check on Spike."Buffy was really grateful that Spike was still undead, but she realized that she had no way of knowing if he'd been conscious at all since they'd left him.A pang of guilt swept over her at the thought of lying to her sister, but she just couldn't tell her that he might not have regained consciousness yet.She didn't think Dawn could handle that right now."I took over some blood for him.Figured he'd be pretty hungry."

"And he's OK?"

Buffy swallowed hard, "Same old Spike." She tried to sound as cheerful as she could.

Dawn just nodded again and went back to staring at the wall.

Later that evening, Dawn went upstairs to get ready for bed.She didn't think she'd be able to sleep though.She pulled a chair over by the open window and sat down, staring out into the night.She'd been thinking all day about what she knew, and about the fact that she couldn't tell Buffy or anyone else.She owed him that much at least.She was worried though, about the consequences of keeping her secret.They were certainly no worse than the consequences that could have resulted from what he'd done, but still…She would need to confront him about it, but with Buffy playing mother hen, she'd have a hard time getting away to talk to him.She probably wouldn't be able to find him at night anyway.She sighed and crawled into bed, but what little sleep she did get that night was restless, as she felt it happen again and again in her dreams.


	3. Part 3

Part 3

Dawn felt like a total wreck the following morning from her restless, mostly sleepless night.Fortunately it was Sunday, so she still had another day before she had to be back to school.She spent the morning as she'd spent most of the previous day, completely withdrawn, trying not to think, but unable to push the unwanted thoughts and the remaining glimpses of her dreams out of her head.Buffy was going to be spending the afternoon with Giles, as she felt she needed to get back into her training as soon as possible.Dawn showed no outward signs of change, but she lightened up inside as she realized this was her chance to get out and go see how Spike was doing.No such luck as it turned out.Buffy once again had Willow and Tara come to stay with Dawn while she was out, and they weren't letting her out of their sight.She did her best to make it seem that she was over the despair she'd been in the last couple days. "Hey, Willow, can I go out to the mall?I'd really like to do some shopping."

"Sure, we can do that if you want."Willow smiled at her.She was glad to see Dawn feeling so much better than she had the day before.

"Oh, you guys don't have to come.I'm sure you have better things to do.Magicky stuff and all.And I do know how to get to the mall, _and_ how to shop!"

"That's ok.A bit of shopping sounds like fun."It didn't really, but Buffy had made it clear that she didn't want Dawn left or wandering off alone, just in case she got upset again.And although Buffy hadn't said it, she was also afraid of Dawn going to see Spike and realizing that he was much worse off than Buffy had let on.

"Never mind", grumbled Dawn, who withdrew back into herself and went back to watching the wall as if it was the most fascinating thing she'd ever seen.

That night, the dreams continued.As exhausted as Dawn was from the previous days, however, she did manage to sleep most of the night.

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The next morning, realizing that she wasn't going to be able to sneak off by herself until Buffy had calmed down from the whole Glory affair, she decided she'd better just ask Buffy to let her go see Spike.It didn't seem an unreasonable request under the circumstances, and maybe Buffy would worry less if she knew for sure where Dawn was going to be.But she had to be able to go alone.As she and Buffy ate breakfast, Dawn mentioned casually, "I never did get to thank Spike for saving me.I'd like to stop by after school so I can tell him."Buffy almost choked on the bite of muffin she was eating.She thought desperately for a way to stop Dawn from going to see him.Buffy had stopped by briefly while out patrolling last night and he was still lying right where they'd left him.She couldn't blame it on being the middle of the day this time.He'd obviously been unconscious for two full days."Dawn, I don't think that's such a good idea.He's really not up for visitors yet."

"You got to go see him."

"Yeah, but I didn't stay long.It's best if you wait."

Dawn tried to keep from losing her temper, since she knew it wouldn't help her case any."He was injured when you had him hide me in the caves to protect me from Glory.Are you telling me he's hurt worse than when Glory tortured him for hours?"

"Yes. No!Just hurt differently.He'll need longer to get back to feeling normal."

Dawn noticed that her sister was acting kind of funny.What was she trying to hide?Dawn worded her question carefully, "Hurt differently… how?"

*Damn it, Spike, you'd better wake up soon*, thought Buffy, *I can't keep lying to Dawn.*She tried to keep her lie as close to the truth as possible."I think the blast from the portal really drained him.His energy level is… really low."

*The blast from the portal!*Dawn was seriously worried now.Did Buffy know more than she was letting on?"The blast knocked him unconscious", Dawn started cautiously, "Do you think it permanently… damaged anything… in his head?"Inside she cringed, hoping she hadn't said the wrong thing.

*Brain damage?*Buffy hadn't even thought about that.Was that even possible for a vampire?Would a vampire heal from that, or was it still like with a human?Might Spike never wake up?Buffy started to feel panicky as these thoughts started running through her head.She realized that Dawn was still watching her, waiting for an answer.How long had she sat there without responding?She didn't even know, but she knew she'd better answer."Dawn, even if it _had_ caused some sort of brain damage, I'm sure in a Vampire it'd heal.I'm sure he's just very drained and just needs more rest and recovery time."

*Ok… that was not the answer I was expecting* thought Dawn.She didn't know whether to feel relieved, since Buffy didn't seem to have noticed, or scared because Dawn hadn't even considered the possibility of brain damage.Had Buffy let slip the real season she didn't want Dawn to see Spike?Had Dawn once again brought terrible suffering on Spike?*Somehow I have to get out to see him. I have to know.*


	4. Part 4

Part 4

The rest of the week passed with no change in Spike's condition.Dawn was becoming very sullen and angry, since Buffy was making sure that Dawn had someone supervising her at all times.Willow, Tara, Xander, and Anya all took their turns as "watcher".They dropped her off at school and picked her up afterwards.They were all acting very weird around her now, and she wished they would all just leave her alone.Buffy still hadn't forgiven Giles enough to leave Dawn with him. But this evening, Buffy was on her way over to talk to him.She needed to know what he thought about Spike's condition.She'd avoided asking until now.

Buffy arrived at the magic shop to find only Giles and Xander hanging about.She walked over to where Giles was standing."Spike is still unconscious",she stated, "It's been an entire week.Is there anything we can do for him?"This was not what Gileswanted to hear.Buffy had been mostly avoiding him except when she was actively training, and the first time she comes to him for another reason, the reason is Spike.Giles had gone over and overin his head how the events had gone.How could he have missed something that now seemed so obvious?And worse, how could he have been so quick to be ready to kill Dawn, only to have her saved by a _vampire_?A fair bit of self-loathing had managed to simmer under Giles' usual calm exterior.He found himself blaming the vamp for what he knew he should be thanking him, but Spike reminded Giles a bit of his own younger self, which made it easier for him to push his feelings off on the vampire.

"Buffy… after a week, you may have to accept the possibility that he won't wake up.Have you considered that maybe it's for the best if he doesn't?"Buffy stared at him in shock."I'm not trying to be cruel", stated Giles, "but you've always known that he's potentially dangerous, and that if that chip comes out or malfunctions, which it undoubtedly will eventually, you'll have to stake him.Do you really believe you could stake the vampire who saved your sister?"*And the world* thought Giles glumly."You'd end up risking your own life, because you wouldn't be willing to take his."Buffy couldn't even bring herself to speak.She knew she'd say something she'd regret.

She turned and started to head out.Xander had been really irritated by the interaction between Buffy and Giles.Was Spike all anyone could talk about anymore?For the last week, all he'd been hearing from Anya was how heroic Spike had been.How brave he was to go back and risk his undead life fighting the same demon who'd already thrown him off the tower once.All week, it had been Spike this, Spike that, Spike, Spike, Spike.Xander had never cared for the vampire, even when the rest of the gang had begun to accept him, but now, he really couldn't bring himself to care what happened to Spike, even if he _had _saved the world.

Xander called out to Buffy before she could get out the door. "Buffy!""What?""You know Giles is right.Spike's always been dangerous.Even with the chip, he's managed to find ways to fight us.Yeah, he got dragged into this whole Glory thing, and I'm sure wanted revenge on Glory for torturing him.But basically, he's evil.You _know _that.You were able to trust him in this case, because his goals fit with yours.As soon as they don't, you know he won't be any different than he's always been."Buffy didn't even answer, she just turned and walked out.*Damn!* thought Xander.He really hadn't wanted to piss off Buffy, just knock some sense into her.*It's not like Spike had realized what he was doing*, Xander grumbled to himself.*He was willingly sacrificing _everyone _in the world just because Buffy didn't want anyone to harm Dawn.Why does everyone think he's such a hero?!* 

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In the dark crypt, Spike began to stir.He moaned in pain.He lay they for a minute, dragging his mind back to full wakefulness.He was starving.He felt like he hadn't eaten in days.As much pain as he was in, he obviously needed to feed, to get his vampiric healing up to full force.He dragged himself off the stone tomb that served as his bed and practically stumbled over to the fridge.He wasn't even sure if he had anything here.He was glad to find the blood that Buffy had placed there.*Hmmm… hope this hasn't been sitting here since before we left on our little trip.*He took a sip.It had obviously been sitting for a while, but it was still drinkable.He rapidly downed every bit of blood.He couldn't believe how hungry he was.*You'd think _someone_ would have thought to bring me something a little fresher.*He felt satisfied now, and could already feel some of the pain starting to subside.

He thought back.The last thing he remembered was grabbing Dawn and running.Nothing after that.He stepped out into the night.*The world is still here*, he noticed.Nothing seemed unusual.Not like some hell dimension had flowed into this world.*Does that mean I failed?Is the niblet…*, he tried to push that thought from his head but couldn't.The girl had been cut, the world was still here.Dawn must be dead.He was surprised to discover how much that realization hurt, and not just because he failed to keep his promise to Buffy.He had cared about the girl.She, alongwith her mother, had been the only people who hadn't treated him like a freak since he'd been stuck with this damn chip.

He wanted, no… _needed_, to know what had happened that night after his memory of it stopped.He hesitantly started heading toward Buffy's house, then stopped.*No.I'm the last person she'd want to see now.I promised I would protect Dawn.Until the end of the world, I would protect Dawn.I failed to keep that promise.*Spike simply could not face Buffy now.He couldn't bear to see the pain she must be in, or to see hatred in her eyes due to his failure.He turned toward the magic shop instead.Giles would tell him what had happened.

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Spike turned down an alley that was a shortcut over to the shop.About halfway down the alley, he heard footsteps coming up behind him.He could distinguish three people following him, rather large by the sound of it."Hey!", one of the men yelled at Spike.Spike ignored him and kept walking."Let's have ourselves some fun", the man said to his companions.The men had sped up and caught up to Spike."Hey, I'm talking to you!" shouted the man who was obviously the leader of this little group of delinquents.Spike turned to face them."I'm just out mindin' my own business… so _sod off! _"He turned back away only to see three more men coming down the alley from the other direction.*Bloody Hell!*, thought Spike, *This is the last thing I need right now.*He was still aching from his injuries, he really didn't need to find himself up against six humans, obviouslylooking for a fight.

Spike braced himself for the attack.Even if he couldn't hit them back, he could sure as hell make himself a difficult target.As the men swung at him, he managed to duck out of the way of most of their blows.These guys definitely relied on their size and strength in a fight, since they sure didn't have any skill.Spike's speed and agility were fairly effective defense.On the few blows that landed, the men were surprised that Spike didn't even flinch.He was smaller than any of them, yet he didn't even seem to feel their punches.One of the men managed to kick him hard in one of his already cracked ribs.Now, _that_ hurt!He unthinkingly responded to that blow by grabbing the man who'd kicked him and throwing him against the wall.At the last second, he realized what he was doing and anticipated the pain he knew was coming.He expected to find himself on the ground, holding his head in pain, and having the unliving crap beat out of him while he was defenseless.The pain never came.He lashed out against another of the men, punching him hard in the face.Then he threw himself into the fight wholeheartedly, until all of the men were running off down the alley the way Spike had come, all of them except the one who was laying on the ground, his leg obviously broken, alternating between moaning in pain and yelling angrily at his buddies to come back and get him. 

*Hmmm… this is very interesting*, Spike pondered what had just occurred.He had assumed that his attackers were human.He walked over and stood over the injured man.Spike could smell the man, and yes, he was definitely human.Spike wondered if he had just been so caught up in the rush of the fight, or so shocked from the pain in his ribs, that he'd overridden or ignored the chip somehow.He leaned back against the wall and lit up a cigarette.He smoked and calmly watched the man on the ground.He waited until he was sure the rush of the fight was gone.*Well, there's only one way to know for sure.*He crushed out his cigarette and walked over to the man.The man stared at Spike with fear obvious in his eyes.Spike kneeled down by the man's head, and lifted the man's shoulders off the ground.Spike pulled the man's head to one side and let the demon emerge.He lowered his mouth to the man's neck and sank his fangs deep into the vein.He held there only a moment, long enough to be sure that the bite was truly successful.As he had just fed on the entire blood supply back at his crypt, he didn't drink.He resisted the bloodlust and pulled away, dropping the terrified man back to the ground.


	5. Part 5

Part 5

Spike stood there stunned for several minutes.*Ok.Now what?*, he thought to himself.*Just what exactly do I do now?*He briefly considered whether he'd better tell Buffy, but quickly realized that she would stake him before he'd gotten any farther than "the chip stopped working".*Ok, that answers the 'Do I tell anyone?' question.*He leaned back against the wall and lit up another cigarette.He was deep in thought and wound up crushing out the cigarette when he became aware that it had burned all the way down without him taking a single drag on it.

He could feed again, hunt again, if he'd choose.*If I choose?!*He almost laughed.*Now where the hell did that come from?I'm free of the damn chip!Of course I'll bloody well feed!*His laughter cut off before it could really begin.He knew it was more complicated than that now.For one thing, there was Buffy.Certainly she hated him now.Letting Dawn die had guaranteed that.But, he felt a great need to ease Buffy's pain, if in any way she would allow him to.Going back to his old ways was no way to get Buffy to ever forgive him for his failure to stop the ritual.He also felt that the scoobies had started to accept him, and strange as it was for him to feel this way, he truely appreciated that acceptance.He knew he couldn't expect them to forgive him right away either, but now it seemed likely that they would, probably before Buffy did.

Was he really going to give up his chance to feed freely because of a bunch of humans?He sighed. *Yeah, it looks like I am, doesn't it.*He couldn't believe he was making this choice, but… he was still free of the chip.He felt good about the fact that he was able to make a choice for himself, not forced by the damn chip.He wasn't defenseless anymore, and that was most important.Satisfied with his answer, he pulled himself back to the matter at hand and turned to head toward the magic shop.

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Giles and Xander both turned toward the door as he came in and stared at him in shock.Xander snapped out of it first."What are _you_ doing here?"Spike looked down at the floor."Well, I'm here for two reasons.One, I need to know what happened.I don't remember anything after I grabbed little bit offthe platform."He started to choke upas he continued, "How did she die?".Giles looked at him with a rather blank expression on his face."Dawnis alive."Spike looked up, his turn to be shocked.He couldn't hide his relief."How?!The world is still here.I thought thatmeantshe had to be dead.The ritual had started.The portals had even started.How did she survive?"Giles tried unsuccessfully to keep the undeserved resentment that he felt toward the vampire out of his voice."You removed her from where the blood needed to flow to keep the portal open.You saved her."

"I saved her?"Spike was stunned.Then he grinned, "Well, let's hear it for the Big Bad!"

Xander just sneered at him."Oh knock it off!You had no idea that was going to happen!Got lucky."

Giles nodded and looked Spike directly in the eyes."You could have destroyed the entire world.Just because Buffy wanted it that way didn't mean it was the right thing to do."

"I saved her."

"Yes"

"And you're angry?"

"We're glad that Dawn and the world are both intact, but you still acted irresponsibly."

"Thanks!Appreciate the compliment.", Spike shot back, "but still have my second reason for coming here.I was half starved when I woke up.Felt like I hadn't eaten in days.Just how long was I out of it?"

"A week."

"A week?!What the hell could knock me out for an entire week?"

"You got hit with energy from the portal closing." Giles stated. 

Xander laughed, "Then again, so did Dawn.She wasn't knocked out at all.Guess keys are stronger than vamps". 

Spike just grinned at Xander.He was used to the insulting banter from Xander, and now that Spike knew Dawn was alive, he wasn't going to let it get to him.

Spike pulled up a chair and sat down."What are you doing?" Xander and Giles spoke at the same time."What do you mean, what am I doing?", Spike looked at them somewhat confused."I'm guessing it's right about time to go patrol, right?Stake us a few vamps and other assorted nasties.Save the world for another day.Right?"

Xander and Giles both stared at him.Xander was the one to speak up."Uh, Spike, the whole Glory thing is over.We don't need you for a standard patrol."Spike responded somewhat cautiously, "Well need, no… You've been doing this long before I joined up.Thought you might _want_ my help though".Xander looked at him incredulously."Joined up?!Is that what you think?That you're… what… our buddy now?"Spike stammered, "Well…Yeah."

Xander couldn't look directly at Spike as he replied, "Hey, we _do_ appreciate your help with Glory, but it doesn't change anything with us".

"It wouldn't hurt to have another person to help patrol…" Spike began, but Xander interrupted. "That's just it.You're _not_ a person.You're a demon… a creature".

"I'm not a human.I AM a person".

Giles finally spoke up, sighing, "Spike, we'll let you know IF we need your help again.But for now, please, just go".

After the shock of being unconscious for a week, the astonishment of finding out his chip was non-functional, and the immense relief at finding out that Dawn was still alive, Spike was too overwhelmed to noticed the myriad emotions underlying both Giles' and Xander's reactions.He simply took in what they said.

Spike was stunned.He had come here expecting to face rejection, but he had thought that he'd allowed Dawn to die.He had saved her, and they were throwing him out?He remembered all the times in the past when he had helped them, only to be soundly rejected when his help had no longer been needed, but he'd truly thought things had been different this time.It had felt different.He'd felt accepted.It was one thing to be rejected for his failure, but quite another when he had been the one who'd saved Dawn's life, and by extension, the rest of the world too.Spike rose from his chair, not letting the hurt show."Fine, I'll find myself some other entertainment for the evening".He turned and stalked out.


	6. Part 6

Part 6

As Buffy headed back to her house, her thoughts turned to Dawn.What should she tell Dawn?As angry as Buffy was about the callousness with which Giles had told her, she knew that he wouldn't lie about it.If Giles considered it possible that Spike would never wake up, then she had to accept that possibility.That meant no more lying to Dawn.It was time to tell her the truth about Spike's condition.Of their own accord, Buffy's feet slowed their steps.She wasn't even aware that she was slowing almost to a stop, but subconsciously, she was delaying the conversation that she'd been dreading.She paused by a bench near the edge of the park.Sighing, she slowly sat down and lowered her head into her hands.

At first she tried to put into words what she would say to Dawn, but at the thought of her sister's pain, she tried to push the whole idea away.As she forced her thoughts away from Dawn, her mind drifted back to the confrontation at the magic shop, not even a half hour ago.Giles' words rang in her head.*Potentially dangerous… have to stake him… Do you really believe you could… risking your own life… not willing to take his.*She realized that Giles' words were true.While she could not honestly feel that it was better for Spike to die this way, now, as a hero, she also knew that she did not want to stake him.Ever.Not after what he had done for her… for Dawn.Buffy had let herself get too close to the vampire.She had let herself trust him too completely.She had begun to think of him as a respected ally.No… more than an ally… a friend.

Giles' words, and Xander's, swirled around in her head.She, the slayer, was risking her life, and the lives of countless other people, by allowing herself to become too emotionally involved in what should be only a business arrangement.If she was to be able to do her job, she needed to remain detached from anyone who could so easily become an enemy.How had she let herself lose sight of this?She knew she had done right to trust Spike with Dawn's life when they'd gone against Glory.That Dawn was alive was proof of that.But she'd taken trust too far when she'd neglectfully allowed her little sister to consider a master vampire to be harmless.When she'd allowed even herself to forget his potential for evil.

She had definitely crossed an inappropriate line.But then… her watcher had been willing to kill Dawn… while Spike… Spike would honestly have protected Dawn's life 'till the end of the world… protected her at the expense of his own unlife if necessary.The lines were certainly more blurred than they ever had been before.Buffy's thoughts warred with each other.This allowing the lines to blur was what would endanger lives, endanger Buffy's ability to be an effective slayer.With Spike, the point was very likely moot if he never woke up, but that she had let her confusion go so far in regards to Spike made her determined to be more vigilant against allowing herself to fall into this type of emotional trap again.

She noticed how much time had passed as she'd sat here trying to sort out her jumbled thoughts.She couldn't procrastinate any longer.It was time to go have that talk with Dawn.As she stood to leave, she let her thoughts turn one last time to Spike.She would miss him.Dangerous or not, she would grieve his passing.Perhaps Giles was right.Perhaps this was for the best.Spike would die.She would grieve.Then she would move on, and the lines would no longer be unclear in her mind.

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Buffy entered her house and shut the door.Leaning back against the door, she shut her eyes, trying to calm her mind."Buffy, are you ok?"Buffy opened her eyes to see Tara watching her with a concerned look on her face."Tara.Ok?I don't know if I'm ok.Giles thinks…" Buffy's voice dropped almost to a whisper. "He thinks Spike might not wake up.I have to tell Dawn."Tara looked down at the floor."I'm sorry.Do you want me to stick around a while?"Buffy took a few deep breaths.She did want Tara to stay but knew it was wrong to put this on anyone else's shoulders."No, that's ok.I think it's probably best for Dawn and I to be alone now."Tara nodded."Ok.You know you can call Willow or me if you need anything.""I know.Thank you, Tara."

After Tara left, Buffy stood leaning against the door a while longer.She had to gather the strength to do this.She finally stood away from the door and started heading towards the stairs to go up to Dawn's room.Someone knocked on the door.*Oh, not _now_!*She was going to ignore it and continue up to Dawn's room, but something made her turn around and open the door.She stood there in absolute shock, staring at the blonde vampire standing on her porch.

"Aren't you even going to say 'Hi'?" he said as he smiled at her."Oh, thank god!" Buffy gasped.She grabbed him by the arm and pulled him inside."Well, I didn't expect you to be quite _that_ happy to see me."Buffy did her best to keep her emotions under control."I'm _not_.But I was just about to tell Dawn that we didn't think you were going to wake up and were probably going to die.I was _so_ not looking forward to that conversation.I'd rather have to see you standing on my porch!" 

Dawn had been sitting up in her room, sulking as usual, when she could have sworn she heard Spike's voice downstairs.Trying not to get her hopes up, in case she had imagined it, she slowly headed towards the stairs.Near the top of the stairs, she stopped and listened, to see if she heard his voice again.She heard Buffy talking to someone."I've been telling her all week that you were fine.So _pleeease_ don't say anything to her about being unconscious for a week!"

Dawn was startled.Buffy had been lying to her all week!No wonder everyone was treating Dawn like an alien again.Everyone had been lying to her.She had pretty much suspected that Spike was hurt worse than anyone had told her, but that he hadn't even woken up!And no one would tell her!Dawn's initial shock turned to anger, but even that was quickly pushed away as it hit her that Spike was here, now!She ran down the stairs.

"Spike!"The vampire turned to look at her."Hey Platelet.Glad to see you're no worse for the wear after what you've been through."His voice remained casual, almost indifferent, but the grin on his face and the look in his eyes made it quite clear that he was more than just happy to see her alive and well.She acted a little bit annoyed."Well, I'm glad you finally managed to find the time to stop by." She pretended she hadn't been eavesdropping back on the stairs."Little bit…", he started, but couldn't continue without telling her he'd been unconscious.She knew that had been a bit cruel, since he wasn't allowed to explain, so she quickly dropped the act and grinned at him."Spike.I never got to thank you for saving my life.So, thank you!"She stepped over and gave him a big hug.He looked rather uncomfortable, not quite knowing what to do, but he gently hugged her back.Then she finally let go and stepped back.Still looking a bit awkward, he just shrugged, but spoke very sincerely this time. "Any time you need saving, you know who to call.Till the end of the world."

Well the easy part was out of the way.Now Dawn needed to find a way to speak to Spike alone, without Buffy hovering."Hey Buffy", she demanded, "How 'bout yougo make us all some hot chocolate.Little marshmallows for Spike."As happy as Buffy had been to see Spike alive and awake, and to not have to tell Dawn otherwise, she knew she had to stick to her resolve not to let the lines blur.Buffy could not let her sister continue to think of Spike as a harmless buddy."Well, it was very nice of Spike to make the time to stop by here on his way to…other places, but I know he really doesn't have time to stay and chat, _right Spike_?"Spike gave Buffy a strange look.She'd seemed really glad to see him, and now she sure seemed anxious to get rid of him again.At least she hadn't pulled a stake.*What's going on?* he wondered.

Understanding that Buffy was not going to leave her alone to talk to Spike, Dawn nonchalantly turned so that she was still facing Spike but had her back to Buffy.Dawn looked Spike in the eyes intently, to make sure she had his attention.She mouthed the words 'We need to talk' and intensified the look she was giving him to make sure he understood that it was important.It was obvious from the concentration of her stare that something major was up, but he couldn't understand what she was trying to tell him.It was clear that she didn't intend for Buffy to know whatever it was, so all he could do was shrug slightly and shake his head barely perceptibly to let Dawn know that he didn't understand.He could read the frustration in her eyes, but didn't know what he could do about it.Buffy wasn't sure what was going on, but she sensed something going back and forth between her sister and the vampire.Buffy took Spike by the arm, thanked him again for stopping by, and the next thing he knew, he was back on the porch with the door closed behind him. 


	7. Part 7

Part 7

"Buffy!What'd you do that for?", Dawn protested. "He just got here!"Buffy tried to dismiss the visit as unimportant.She had to get Dawn to quit thinking it was normal to be hanging around with vampires."If he really wanted to sit around having cocoa, he could have stopped by before now."*Damn!*Buffy wanted to kick herself. *Why can't I just be honest with her?*The anger Dawn had felt earlier flared back to life."_How_ was he supposed to stop by, when he's been UNCONCIOUS for a week?"Buffy looked guiltily down at her shoes.She hadn't realized that Dawn had heard."Dawn, I didn't want to lie to you, but I just _couldn't _cause you any more pain by telling you.""Fine", huffed Dawn, "but then you _just _liedto me about him not wanting to be here."

Buffy sighed.She'd come home with intentions of being honest with Dawn, and though the circumstances were now different, it was time to do this."I'm sorry, Dawn.I shouldn't have lied about that.It really is time that you and I had an honest talk."Dawn looked at Buffy, distrust obvious in Dawn's eyes."No more lies?""No.""Promise?""Yes, Dawn, I promise.""Ok, then talk."Dawn walked into the living room and plopped down into a chair.Buffy sat on the arm of the chair and stroked Dawn's hair."It is so hard to have to tell you this, Dawn."Buffy paused to think just how to word what she needed to say."I know that you've been through a lot, and I know that Spike has protected you, more than once.Of course you're extremely grateful, we all are, that he came through for you, for all of us, but these were extreme circumstances.We needed someone with his strength to protect you when I couldn't be around."

Buffy put her arm around her sister, before she continued."But you have to stop thinking of him as being safe to be around.A soulless vampire, who has killed many people, is _not_ the buddy of a 14-year-old girl.He can be very dangerous."Buffy paused for a moment.She didn't even like to think of this herself, let alone tell her little sister, but it was necessary."Dawn, if his chip ever stops working…", Buffy felt her sister suddenly tense under her arm. "Get away from me", Dawn hissed.She tried to pull away from Buffy.Buffy let go of Dawn, startled by the force of her sister's anger.When Buffy continued to stand there watching her, Dawn spoke sharply under her breath, "I said… Get. Away. From. Me."Buffy was at a loss for words, but left to give her sister time to calm down.

As Buffy walked by the front door, she could sense that Spike was still hanging around outside.Why wouldn't he go?She thought she'd been pretty clear that he was supposed to leave.Sighing, she opened the door and stepped out on the porch, closing the door behind her.Spike was pacing at the end of the walk, but he stopped and looked at Buffy when he heard her step outside.She walked out to meet him where he was standing."_Why_ are you still here?"Spike glared at her."Because you owe me some kind of explanation.It's always this way with you.Run to Spike when you need him to protect your family, or find your sis who's run off, or risk his life for you, but as soon as you're done _using_ me, it's 'Don't talk to me' and 'You're disgusting'.I really thought this time would be different.Stupid bloody wanker I am, I guess.Well… Make up your mind!Spike's not your sodding plaything, to toss back on a shelf when you're done with it.I kept letting you do that, but no more.This time, you're gonna decide just where I stand with you: respected ally or disgusting enemy.And don't give me any of this 'vampires don't have any feelings', 'cause you bloody well know I do!And furthermore…""Spike", Buffy interrupted him. "Stop.I get the idea.And you're right, I do owe you an explanation, and I do need to make a decision."

Spike seemed surprised that Buffy had relented so easily, but at least now, hopefully, she would quit playing her games.Buffy sighed, "This seems to be my night for having to tell people things I'd rather not have to say."She turned to Spike and forced herself to look him in the eye.She was not going to let herself show any lack of resolve."Spike, I really wish it didn't have to be this way, but it does.I know that the way I've treated you after accepting your help seems despicable.But it was also necessary.""Necessary?!How is treating someone like dirt, necessary?!""Spike, please, just let me finish.You demanded an explanation, and I'm giving one, so let me say what I have to say."

Spike didn't respond, but waited for her to continue."It's necessary because I need to keep the line from blurring." She noticed the confusion on his face and tried to clarify."I mean I've been putting more and more trust in you, and at times it's felt like you were more than an ally, that you were a friend.I have to keep reminding myself that it can't be that way.I have to keep the line between good and evil from blurring."Spike started to protest, but Buffy silenced him again."I know you've been trying to be good.Been doing a damn fine job of it in fact.But there's still the fact that you're simply prevented from acting on your natural tendencies by the chip.

Spike interrupted again, and he was not going to let Buffy stop him from speaking this time. "You STILL don't understand that I've really changed?That it's not just the chip?!"He almost blurted out that the chip was already not working, just to prove that he was still the same, no chip.But he caught himself.This was Buffy, as in 'stake-first-ask-questions-later' Buffy.She looked at Spike kind of sadly as she replied."Sometimes, I find myself wanting to believe that.Because now, you're so much more man than monster.It would hurt to have to kill you."She looked away from him then.She couldn't meet his eyes."The longer I allow myself to accept the chipped Spike, the harder it will be to accept the truth.Once your demon is unrestrained again, it will regain control.I will _have _to kill you.I can't allow that to become more difficult than it would already be.If you come to fight me, I can't hesitate, trying to see if the man is still there in the monster somewhere.That could very possibly lead to your 'one good day'.I'm risking my life and the lives of countless other people by accepting you as a friend.Worst of all, I've put Dawn at risk."

"Dawn has been considering you safe to be around, because I've treated you that way.I'll never forgive myself, or you, if she is with you when the chip malfunctions, and you hurt her."Spike cut in sharply, "Little Bit knows it's not just the chip.""No.She doesn't." Buffy shot back angrily."I tried having a similar conversation with her, and as soon as I mentioned that the chip could stop working, she nearly bit my head off.She refuses to even hear mention of a non-working chip, because she knows what that would mean.She refuses to think about that, because she's terrified of the thought of you unchipped!"Spike took a step back.That had hurt even more than Buffy's own wariness.Buffy only feared for her ability to perform her duty.Dawn was afraid of _him_! 

"So there's your explanation.I find myself getting more comfortable with you, and as the slayer, I can't allow myself that."Buffy paused,"And the decision?Well, I _am_ sorry for the cruel things I've said to you in the past, and I _do_ owe you my gratitude for what you've already done, but I hope you can understand why I have to decide to end our alliance.I don't want to, but if, as you said, it has to be one way or the other, then this is the only choice I can make."He was almost regretting having made that ultimatum, but he would not lower himself to retract it.

"You realize, _Slayer_, that this means no more running to Spike every time there's a new baddie to deal with?"

"Yes.I know.I won't bother you again Spike." She turned to walk back into the house and spoke so quietly even Spike barely heard her."I truly am sorry Spike."


	8. Part 8

Part 8

Spike turned to go.He had no reason to hang around here.Buffy had stated her decision quite clearly, and he had even been the one who'd told her that she needed to stick to the decision she made.She wasn't going to be running back out here to change her mind now.As he stood there with his back to the house, the one thing that delayed his departure was the knowledge that Dawn had been trying to tell him something.What?Well, whatever it was, she was unlikely to tell him now.Buffy had obviously convinced Dawn that he was to be feared and avoided.He turned to take one last look at the Summers house, into which he had been so recently reinvited, then he sadly turned away again and headed back to his crypt. 

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He leaned up against the wall, all of the events of the evening running through his head.The silence of the crypt felt oppressive.He usually enjoyed the quiet solitude here, at least when no one was crashing in uninvited.Only now, it didn't feel like solitude; it felt like isolation.He had gone from trusted ally, to hero, to pariah, all apparently in the blink of an eye.The hurt and frustration turned to anger just as rapidly.He swung around and slammed his fist into the wall.His hand was bleeding, but he didn't even feel it.He walked over to his chair and kicked it all the way across the room, then proceeded to smash several empty whisky bottles that were lying around.His outburst failed to calm his riled emotions.

He saw a few wooden stakes on the floor.He'd used those when he'd been helping Buffy.*A convenience.That's all I ever was.It was so bleedin' obvious, but this pathetic freak was so. friggin'. desperate. to fit in. somewhere…*With every word, he was stomping his foot down on those hated stakes, smashing them into splinters.He looked down at the crushed wood by his feet.*Well, that's all changed now, hasn't it?*Even thinking he was still chipped, Buffy and Giles and Xander had made it understood that he'd never be one of them, would never be accepted by them.And that they didn't need him.They had of course failed to realize that _he no longer needed them either_.He was not a pathetic freak in desperate need of acceptance!He was a vampire!Humans were his to take from whatever he needed or wanted.

It was still well over an hour until sunrise.Spike headed to an area of town that he knew was rarely patrolled.He strolled past a bar, already locked up for the night.A couple were arguing, none too quietly, in the doorway.Spike saw the man shove the woman angrily and he wandered over to the couple."Problem mate?" Spike asked the man."This is between us.Mind your own business.""This _is_ my business", growled Spike as he grabbed the other man and threw him hard against the wall.He slumped to the ground unconscious.Spike turned back to the woman who was staring at him horrified.Before she could speak, or run, or do anything, Spike grabbed her by the shoulders, and releasing his demon, his bit into her neck and drank until she slid limp and lifeless from his hands.

It was the first fresh blood he had tasted in a long time.Amazingly sweet it was, but there was something missing.He'd not gotten quite the rush that he'd remembered so fondly.He looked down at the petite blonde he'd fed from and quickly realized the problem.It was too easy.She hadn't even screamed, let alone tried to fight him.He still had time for another kill before daylight.He needed someone strong, someone who'd fight to live.Spike wanted to feed on someone who wasn't used to feeling fear.He walked several blocks and stood in the shadows of a biker bar that was still open.He watched a few patrons leave, but he chose not to follow.Finally he selected his victim.That man certainly didn't look like the fearful type.Soon he would know fear like he'd never experienced.Spike followed the chosen victim off down the street, until they were well away from the bar and the other people leaving.

He approached the man and stepped in front of him."Get out of my way."Spike didn't move."I seem to be out of smokes", he told the man, "thought I'd take some off your hands".The man shoved Spike. "Yeah right.You're gonna take from me?I don't think so".Spike shoved the man back hard against the wall, surprising the man with his strength."Well, I do."Spike's vampire features surfaced and the man looked at him with a mixture of confusion and the first stirrings of fear."Hey, look, just take the damn cigs, 'kay."The man tossed a pack to Spike.He caught them and put them in his pocket, but didn't move away.The man stared at him."What?What else do you want?""I want you to whimper, then I want you to die."The man struggled to push away from Spike but involuntarily filled the first request and whimpered as Spike grabbed him and shoved him to his knees so that Spike could easily reach the taller man's neck.Spike bit and then drank the warm fresh blood.The adrenaline from the man's fear was like a drug.At the familiar but almost forgotten sensation, Spike pulled the man off the ground and held him up as if he weighed no more than a child.Spike completely drained his victim, then tossed the body roughly aside.As the man's blood and adrenaline spread through Spike's entire body, he leaned his head back and just enjoyed the rush.By the time he was halfway back to his crypt, the peak of the exhilaration had faded, but the blissful aftereffects of the feeding lingered.

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Back at his crypt, he surveyed the damage he had caused earlier and laughed.He flung a still unbroken bottle against the wall, but this time is was with destructive glee, not frustration.He hopped up onto the stone coffin and lay back, resting his head in his hands.*I'd been going to give this up voluntarily?Why?For a bunch of happy meals that think I'm beneath them!*He looked up at the ceiling and laughed again.

As daylight arrived, Spike started to drift off to sleep.He suddenly jerked awake again, as awareness nudged at the back of his mind.He heard his words, spoken just hours earlier, "You STILL don't understand that I've really changed? That it's not just the chip?!"He had truly believed that at the time.Yet, when it came right down to it, he had fed so easily, so naturally.He was disturbed by the thoughts and feelings, still so clear in his mind, from the last couple of years, particularly the last few weeks.He had really believed that he'd been in control of everything except being able to hurt humans.He'd believed that his thoughts and feelings had still been his own.Had he truly been so controlled by that small bit of circuitry that everything he'd thought and felt in all that time was a lie?It bothered him even more than his physical inability to kill had, that the chip had controlled his mind as well as his body.

Most of those thoughts and feelings were still there.He'd pushed them to the back of his mind, but he knew they were there, felt them trying to push to the surface.He reminded himself that he'd only been free of the chip for one evening.Surely the lingering mindset that had been forced on him for two years would fade now that the chip was inactive.He had control again.He was a normal vampire again. He would not dwell on the fact that two years of his unlife hadn't even been his own.The future lie ahead, and he reveled in the possibilities.


	9. Part 9

Part 9

Dawn had stayed up most of the night crying.Today, she remained in her room, no longer crying, but still refusing to talk to Buffy.When Buffy had come back inside the previous evening after talking to Spike, she had explained the new state of affairs to Dawn.Dawn had protested, "Just because you're not speaking to him, what does that have to do with me?!I didn't agree to any such thing!" Buffy wished she could get through to her sister."Dawn, everything he's done for us, he did because I'd requested his help.To Spike, you and me and the scoobies, we're all connected.The alliance being broken doesn't just mean me.None of us has the right to go to him for help anymore."

Dawn asked, "But what if I'm not going to him for help?What if I just go to see him as a friend?""Dawn", said Buffy sternly, "that was all included in the deal.Total acceptance or a total break.Even if you went, he wouldn't have any reason to treat you as a friend now.That relationship is ended.Over.Do you understand?"Dawn stared at her desperately."But… what about his promise?He'd protect me till the end of the world.You can't tell me he would suddenly just break that promise!"Buffy looked at Dawn sadly."He _isn't_ breaking it.By making the decision I did, I _released _him from his promise.That's not the same as him breaking it.He doesn't owe us anything."That had been when Dawn had stomped off to her room to cry.Buffy had had no right to make that decision for Dawn!For everyone!But Buffy _had_ spoken for all of them, whether she'd had the right to or not.Dawn knew that Spike would have nothing to do with her now.

Buffy had hoped that Dawn would have calmed down by morning, but she hadn't.Late afternoon, Buffy was going out to meet the gang and explain the situation to them.She stopped by Dawn's room before leaving and knocked on the door.No answer.That wasn't a surprise.Dawn hadn't spoken to Buffy all day."Dawn, I'm going to meet the scoobies.Do you want to come?"Usually Dawn would jump at the chance to be included."No!Leave me alone!"Buffy started to walk away, but turned back."Dawn? You're not going to go try to see Spike, are you?"This was the first time she'd be leaving Dawn unattended since the final battle with Glory, and Buffy was afraid Dawn would take advantage of it.Dawn snapped, "What difference would it make?"Dawn's voice was filled with pain. "You made sure he wouldn't want to see me anyway!"Buffy hated Dawn being this hurt and angry but was relieved that at least she understood that Buffy's decision had had cut all ties with Spike.For the first time in a week, Buffy felt relatively safe leaving Dawn alone.Buffy hoped that Dawn would come to grips with this by the time Buffy got back home.Dawn just stayed in her room, hating Buffy.

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When Buffy got to the shop, the whole gang was already there.Giles looked at her with concern."What's so important that you needed us all here?" he asked.Buffy stated, "Spike finally woke up.He came to see me last night.""Yes, he came by here too", said Giles, "shortly after you'd left.""And you didn't even call to tell me?" Buffy replied with irritation."Buffy, I knew he'd stop by your house, to see Dawn if nothing else.He'd been so sure that she must have died, since the world was still here.He was despondent when he got here, he was so sure he'd failed to protect her."Buffy just stared at Giles.Spike hadn't said anything about thinking he'd failed Dawn.Then again, Buffy really hadn't given him a chance to say much, had she?

Buffy pulled herself together and looked around at the group.She explained her concerns, and her discussion with Spike, and the resulting decision.Giles had calmed down a great deal after having finally vented some of frustration at the vampire yesterday and now felt rather bad for how he'd treated Spike.Giles looked at Buffy sadly.He knew that what he'd said to her had brought this on."Buffy, I know what I said yesterday, but I didn't mean that you should end all contact with Spike. That was a bit drastic, don't you think?After all, he _was_ quite useful to have around."Buffy just shrugged."Spike was tired of just being considered 'useful'.He was the one who demanded a decision, one way or the other, total acceptance or nothing.What other decision could I have made?"Even so, Giles knew he was at least partly responsible.If he hadn't treated Spike that way, Giles was fairly sure that ultimatum would never have arisen.

Willow offered gently, "He certainly doesn't deserves to be abandoned by everyone.Especially after what he did for Dawn."Tara agreed with Willow.Anya spoke up, "Just because you've decided _you're _not speaking to him, that doesn't mean the rest of us can't do as we please.You don't speak for all of us!"

Buffy looked frustrated."Xander, please talk some sense into your fiancée.""Uh, Buff… I didn't mean for you to cut off all interaction either.Just to be careful."

Anya stared at Xander."What did you do?!"Xander stared at the floor."I just reminded Buffy that Spike could potentially be dangerous.I mean, he _is_ evil."Anya couldn't believe this."You did what?!Why would you say such awful things.He's a hero.He was so brave and…" Xander cut her off, extremely embarrassed."_That's_ why I said those things Anya.You're so proud of him, and I was… well… I was jealous."He turned to Buffy."I really didn't mean that stuff.Not all of it anyway."

Buffy glared at Xander, then back at Giles."Well, it's a little late to be telling me that you didn't MEAN it!I already told him my decision."

Willow asked, "Well, couldn't you just tell him you changed your mind?"Buffy was getting more and more frustrated by how this was going."Weren't you _listening_?That's exactly what he doesn't want.All this flip-flopping back and forth.He didn't just want a decision, he wanted me to stick to it for once."

Anya spoke up again, "Well, the rest of us don't have to!"But Xander understood.He looked over at Willow and Tara, then turned his eyes back to Anya."Spike sees us as sort of an extension of Buffy.If he's accepted an end to the truce, he'll see it as ending it with the rest of us too."Anya shouted at him, "How could you?How could you all be so mean?And you think _demons_ are bad!Humans are worse!"She got up and ran out."Anya!"Xander got up.He looked back quickly."I'm sorry Buff."Then he turned and ran out after Anya.

Willow and Tara got up too.Buffy looked at them."You do understand that this decision goes for all of us?""Yeah", Willow responded, "doesn't mean we have to be happy about it.I'm sorry Buffy.I'll go along with your decision, but only because you've left us no choice. I think it was wrong to turn Spike away after everything he's done for us." She looked up with tears in her eyes."Also, after he'd been chipped, we'd sort of become the only friends he had.Did you even think about that?Did you think how much this could be hurting him?"Tara spoke up quietly, "Buffy, you may be right about Spike being potentially dangerous, but any influence you, or any of us, might have had on his choices is also broken. Understand that everything has consequences."


	10. Part 10

Part 10

After her disastrous meeting with the scoobies, Buffy returned home utterly dejected.No one had seemed to feel that she'd made the right decision.She had to believe that she'd done right.There was no point regretting what it was too late to change.She did have one regret, and she knew that she owed Dawn an apology.That apology was going to even more difficult than the event leading to it, because last night, Buffy hadn't known, Couldn't have known.But she knew now that Spike had thought Dawn was dead, thought he had let her down, and he had been devastated. 

She knocked on the door of Dawn's room.No answer."Dawn.Please talk to me.I need to tell you something."Dawn's angry voice finally responded, "Haven't you done enough telling people things.You can never listen to what anyone else is telling YOU!""You're right, Dawn.If I'd been listening, I would have handled things differently."It was quiet for a few seconds, then Dawn opened her door."You wouldn't have sent Spike away?" she asked quietly through her tears.

Buffy sighed. "I still needed to do what was safest for you, but if I'd been paying attention, I might have noticed how much each of you, you and Spike, needed to talk.I found out from Giles… Spike thought you had died and blamed himself.He'd only found out you were alive just before coming here."Buffy felt tears rising in her own eyes at what she was saying."Even though I can't change the way things are now, never doubt that Spike truly did care about you.I'm sorry I didn't talk to you both together, and at least give you a chance to say goodbye."

Dawn never had doubted Spike.Now she just closed the door in Buffy's face.Buffy would still have sent Spike away.That she might have done it differently was of no consolation to Dawn.

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It would be dark soon.Could she get the crypt before Spike left for the evening?She understood that she was no longer welcome, but she hoped that she could get Spike to at least talk to her one last time.She had to try.She climbed out her window and down the trellis and headed for the cemetery.The sun had set just before she got there.She hesitated a short distance away from his crypt and stood there a while trying to work up the nerve to walk up and knock on the door.What would she say to him?She hadn't thought that far ahead.Fear of rejection held her back.She wanted so much to see him, she didn't know if she could handle it if he just turned her away.Realizing she wasn't ready to face him, she turned and ran back out of the cemetery.Just outside of the cemetery gate, she stopped to catch her breath and to fight back the tears that threatened to fall.Then she slowly started the walk back towards home.

Spike stood deep in the shadows of the cemetery.He had left his lair to feed as soon as the sun went down.He heard her even before her scent reached him, and he turned toward the noise.He saw her standing not far from the crypt, watching it.*What the hell is she doing here?Slayer's little sis should know better than to hang around cemeteries at night.*Even with that thought, a brief glimmer of hope passed through him.Was she going to ignore Buffy's wishes and still come to see him?She had a rebellious streak, that one.She couldn't see him where he stood in the darkness.He considered approaching her, but suddenly she had turned and run off.The faint hope shattered.She obviously really was terrified of him now.He almost turned to continue on his hunt, but he was well aware that this was not a safe place for her to be at this time of night.He followed her, staying far enough behind that she wouldn't know he was there.As he passed by an old wooden fence, he stopped briefly to yank off a rough chunk from one of the rotting boards.He looked at the sharp piece of wood in his hand.It would serve if necessary.

She hadn't gotten far from the cemetery before that necessity arose.Spike saw a vampire creep out and begin stalking the girl.Spike caught up to other vampire and quickly staked him, Dawn never even becoming aware of either vamp's presence.Spike continued following Dawn.He was well aware of the absurdity of the situation.It was like the big bad wolf making sure little red ridinghood got home safely.But Spike couldn't bear to allow anything to happen to the girl.He had promised to protect her, and that still meant something to him.She still meant something to him.As far as her being afraid of him, well, he had the slayer to thank for that.Dawn had never shown any fear of him before, even back when, for the sake of his ego, he had desperately wanted her to.About halfway between the cemetery and the Summers' house, a whole group of vamps, five of them, stepped out of an alley and started after Dawn.*Bloody hell!Is this girl a vampire magnet or what?!*Five of them would barely get a sip sharing one little girl.Maybe they sensed something special about her because was the slayer's sister.Or maybe she was just a particularly tasty looking young girl.Whatever it was, she seemed to be quite a draw, and Spike intended to create a deterrent.

He drew the vamps' attention away from Dawn."I don't think you boys want to mess with that one."One member of the group recognized him and growled."Spike. Still doing the slayer's dirty work for her?Why don't you just leave us to our kill, huh?"Spike immediately dusted one of the other vamps.The other four started to move in on Spike and surrounded him.He made quick work of three of them, and soon had the last vamp up against the wall, held by the throat.Spike growled at the other vamp and raised his stake up to its chest."Spike, If you wanted her that bad you could have just said so.You didn't need to kill anyone", the other, now terrified vamp pleaded.Spike grinned evilly."I should kill you too.But I might let you live.All depends.If I can get you to deliver a message for me, make sure it gets around to all the vamps in town, I'll let you go."The other vamp immediately agreed to Spike's demands, and Spike told him the message.Before letting the other vamp go, Spike told him, "If I find out you didn't get this message out, I'll find you, and you'll die slowly, got that?"The other vamp nodded. Spike let go and watched the vamp scurry off into the night.Spike made sure Dawn made it the rest of the way home.

He was feeling quite pleased with himself, quite the Big Bad, as he returned to his interrupted hunting.He fed well that night before heading back to his lair.

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The following evening, Spike left just after sundown again.He hadn't gotten very far when he sat on a tombstone and gazed back at his crypt, remembering the previous night.In his mind he could still picture Dawn standing there, staring at his crypt.He was lost in thought, and it took a few moments for it to hit him that he was no longer just envisioning a memory.The silly girl really was standing there again!He hadn't even seen her walk in.He could sense her hesitation, as she appeared to be deciding whether to approach Spike's lair.He almost walked up to her.He wanted to tell her not to be afraid of him, but Buffy had been right.He was dangerous.His actions of the previous nights and his intentions for tonight were proof enough of that.Dawn _should_ be afraid of him.He couldn't honestly tell her otherwise.

He remained where he sat until she turned to leave, then he once again followed her home, with the stake from the previous night still tucked into the pocket of his coat.A couple of times on the way, Spike had seen vampires take notice of Dawn, but all had hesitated, and after taking a good look at the potential victim, had slunk back into the darkness without attacking.*Good*, thought Spike.Obviously, his message was getting around and was being taken seriously.Dawn got home without incident, and Spike headed to the outskirts of town to feed.

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One more night, and once again she stood outside of his home.She wasn't sure why she kept coming here, since she obviously couldn't work up the nerve to face him.The thought that he wouldn't want to see her tore at her.She stayed longer tonight, in the hope that he would see her when he left his crypt and she would be forced to face up to him.Then the uncertainty could quit eating away at her.When he failed to leave the crypt, Dawn guessed that he must sense that she was there and was waiting for her to leave.She was crying as she turned to head home.

He watched her again from a distance.This was the third night in a row that she had shown up.Why did she insist on coming here if she was too scared of him to come the rest of the way?It was tormenting him having to see her each night, knowing that he couldn't go to her.Knowing that she would run in fear if she knew he was watching her.The faint hope that kept greeting her arrival just increased the hurt when she inevitably turned and left again.She stayed longer tonight than the two previous nights, and he found himself anxious for her to hurry up with her decision to leave.The longer she stayed, the harder it was not to approach her.The only thing that made these visits bearable was seeing her home safely each night, as he did again tonight, knowing that he kept his promise to her, even if she wasn't aware of it.

He stood for a while outside the Summers house, remembering all the times he had stood here waiting to see Buffy.Buffy…He thought back to how things had gone so wrong.He'd come to accept that because of what he was, a soulless vampire, he would never have her love, but he'd believed that he'd had her respect and trust.Her rejection of his love had hurt, but having her withdraw her respect and trust, just when it seemed like he'd finally truly earned it, had been even worse.That she would also take from him Dawn's respect and trust went beyond hurt.That had earned Buffy his hatred.His entire unlife, and his life before that, his strongest need had been to gain respect, and Buffy had stripped him of everything.Even among the vampires and demons, he had their fear, but not their respect.He left before Buffy could catch him there and stake him, but his resentment stayed with him.

Pure instinct guided him through the crowds of people who were still out in the early evening.He passed up many potential meals, not even noticing them, waiting for each of his victims to ignite his senses and quickly become his prey.It wasn't until he was back at his crypt that he even considered his menu choices of the evening.He'd fed on a young, blonde woman as she left her karate class, still sweaty from the workout, on a rather badly dressed young man with dark messy hair, and on a middle aged man with glasses.*Hell, all that was missing was a side of flowering onion and a basket of spicy chicken wings!* Spike thought sarcastically.At least it explained how much he'd enjoyed taunting the boy, and why Spike had felt vaguely disappointed when the boy had failed to reciprocate with any insults before dying.Spike was half amused, half disturbed by these insights.Was he still that affected by the rejection from people he had no need of anymore?He could still hear the words spoken to him the last time he had grasped at the chance for acceptance, and yes, those words still cut through him like a sharp knife in the back.

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The next night, he found himself watching the crypt from the shadows of the cemetery, actually waiting for her to arrive.It was well past the time she usually showed up, but she still wasn't there.Concerned that something had happened to her on the way here, he headed to her house to check.He could see Dawn and Buffy through the window.Relief that Dawn was safe mingled with disappointment that she hadn't come.As painful as it had been to watch her hesitate and then leave each night, at least there'd been some comfort in the fact that she had been drawn to try and see him.Apparently, she had settled her conflicting feelings, and she had chosen to stop trying to visit.He tried unsuccessfully to convince himself that it was better this way.Better that she listen to Buffy.He buried his feelings under the rush of several exceptionally vicious kills.

  



	11. Part 11

Part 11

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_Yes, you've finally made it to the last chapter of my first fanfic. Feedback is always much appreciated. Although this particular story is finished, I do see some possibility for some short sequels or side stories to this one (nothing as long as this, I hope). I'll probably only write any of them if someone expresses interest in seeing a particular angle covered, so if there was something you'd have liked to have seen dealt with more in this story, make sure you let me know._

Thanks to all of you who've read all the way though this story! Special thanks to all who've given feedback or suggestions!

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Dawn had convinced herself this evening that she'd been going about this all wrong.There was no point in going out to Spike's at the beginning of the evening, when he could easily wait her out if she stayed outside or simply leave if she let herself in. She needed to go when he had no choice but to let her talk to him this one last time.She was more determined than ever to face him, no matter how much it hurt.She would not let her fear of his rejection prevent her from trying to make things right.Night was the only time she could sneak out without Buffy knowing something was up, so since Dawn couldn't catch him there during the day, she intended to be at his crypt at sunrise. He would have to come in to avoid the sun, and it would prevent him from walking out on her.She snuck out again while it was still dark and headed for the cemetery.She entered Spike's lair and waited for the morning.

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After Spike's frenzied killing had released his built up tension, he finally began to relax.He'd stayed out a long time, and had to hurry to get home in time to avoid the sun.He sensed the familiar presence as he approached the crypt.She must have come by last night after all, as the scent of her was still fresh in the air.He pushed open the door and was surprised to find Dawn sitting on the stone tomb, her legs dangling over the sides.She just watched him as he entered the crypt.For a minute neither spoke, not knowing what to say.Finally, he broke the silence."What are you doing here?"

"Well we never got a chance to talk because Buffy wouldn't leave and then she sent you away and said that none of us were to come see you anymore."She'd spoken very quickly, all on one breath.She had to force herself to breathe again as she waited for any reply from Spike.When he spoke, the flat tone of his voice revealed none of the emotions flooding through him."You've never listened to Buffy before.You were just afraid to come.Afraid of me." 

"I tried to come see you."

"Yeah, I saw you here.And I saw you get scared and run off every time." He was having a hard time keeping the hurt out of his voice.

"Spike!No!I was afraid, but not of you.Afraid of rejection.Afraid that Buffy was right that you wouldn't even want to see me!"

"Well, you're here now.What is it you were so desperate to talk to me about?"He tried to look uninterested, standing with his arms crossed, not even facing her.

She took a deep breath before saying, "About the fact that your chip is deactivated."

He was completely startled.That had been the last thing he'd expected her to say.He started to try to deny it, but he looked in her eyes and could clearly see that there had been no question in her words.She knew.He dropped his eyes back to the floor."Yeah."What she'd seen in his eyes just before he looked away had answered what she hadn't already known.When she spoke again, it once again was not a question."And you've been hunting again."

He was horrified to realize that she knew that.She shouldn't be here with him.He believed they both knew it.He let his demon rise to the surface before he lifted his head to look at her again."Then you know you shouldn't have come here", he growled."Should have listened to big sis."He'd expected her to flee from the tomb as soon as she saw his face, but she didn't even flinch."Are you going to kill me, Spike?"He watched her face.There was no fear there, just some sadness, hurt, and… something else that he couldn't quite define, almost a challenge.His vamp features slipped away without him even thinking about it.He shook his head."I would never hurt you, Little Bit", he said quietly.

He paused as he thought about the implications of what she'd told him. "So, is big sis on her way here to stake me?Waiting outside?"He tilted his head briefly towards the door.

"No.Buffy doesn't know.I didn't tell her.Haven't told anyone."

"You didn't?Why?"He really was baffled.

Dawn shrugged."I don't want her to kill you."

Spike looked at her like she was nuts."You're protecting me?!I'm supposed to be your protector, not the other way around!"

"Well, I owed you one, and anyway, you're not required to protect me anymore."

He looked at her somewhat sadly."When I promised you I'd protect you until the end of the world, I meant it.I still do."

"Buffy says she released you from that promise when she agreed not to come to you for help anymore."

"Hey, Sweet Bit, the first time I made that promise, it was to Buffy.But at your house, before Buffy threw me out, don't you remember?I made that promise to you."

"I remember.But then you left.You let her send you away.You haven't exactly been around to protect me from anything."

"I've followed you home the past three nights.Staked more than one vamp that would have made a snack of ya.So, don't tell me I haven't been keeping my word!"

It was her turn to be surprised."You did that for me?"

"Yeah."

"Thank you." 

He just nodded. 

They were both silent for a long moment.Finally, Spike asked quietly, "How did you know?About the chip?"

"I'm not exactly sure.I just felt it.When the portal energy hit us, passed through us, somehow I could feel the chip as if it was in my own head.And I felt it go dead.At first I tried to convince myself that it must have been my imagination, but I knew it wasn't.Every night I dream it.I feel the energy hit us, hit the chip.I feel the chip… stop."

He almost couldn't bring himself to ask his next question."What made you think that I'd been feeding?"

"I've been wondering and worrying about that for the past two weeks.But I didn't know for sure until tonight.I could see it in your eyes."

He slumped against the wall."I would give anything for you not to have to know that.I never wanted you to view me as a monster."

"Well, I don't.You're not…"

"Dawn…" He never called her by her name.He was obviously being very serious."Dawn, understand this.Even though I would never hurt you, would do anything to protect you, I'm not who I was when the chip was working."

"You are so!I'd be dinner by now if you weren't."

"If you were anyone else, you would be!This is what I am!You can't change that!I won't tell you that I'm not going to do it anymore, 'cause I'd be lying."

Dawn answered him just as seriously, "I'd be lying if I told you that it didn't bother me that you're killing again.But even if I'm not happy about that, I can accept you as you are, for who and what you are.Maybe that makes me evil; I never really was convinced that I'm not evil.You've said you won't hurt me, and I believe you.Can you promise me that you won't kill my sister or our friends?"

A huge weight had lifted off Spike's shoulders at the words "I can accept you".Nevertheless, he turned a disappointed face to Dawn."Not even Xander?"She actually laughed at that."No, not even Xander!"Spike smiled at her."I promise you that.I will never knowingly hurt anyone you care about."Dawn smiled back. "Good, then quit fidgeting and come sit down.We have some catching up to do!"

He almost hopped up to sit on the stone tomb next to her, but he was still hesitant, not sure how comfortable she really was with him, knowing that he was a brutal killer.He sat instead on the floor nearby, leaning back against the wall.She hopped down from her seat and sat down next to him on the floor.She wrapped her arms around her knees and turned her head to face him."It's good having you back, Spike.""Right back at ya Bite Size."He sighed, leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes."You know when I woke up after being unconscious, I thought you were dead.""I know. Buffy told me."

He tried to retain control of his emotions, he had his reputation to maintain after all, but after the intense isolation and rejection he'd felt the last few days, it was a relief having someone to talk to.Soon, his thoughts just came spilling out.He told her about discovering the chip not working, and how he'd thought he could continue as if nothing had changed.That he'd really believed he could manage not to kill."_That_ lasted almost all of one night", he said bitterly."I guess a soulless demon really can't change.My feelings weren't even real.You just can't imagine what it's like to feel like you haven't even been in control of your own life."

She laughed a little at that, and he tensed up, suddenly regretting having letting himself open up to her like this.She saw the misunderstanding and responded immediately to reassure him. "I can't imagine what it's like?Spike.You were there with me when I found out that I'm not even real.That the first _fourteen years_ of my life never happened.Talk about not feeling in control of my life…" 

She did understand.He quickly relaxed and smiled at her."Sorry Bit.Guess I wasn't thinking."They were silent again for a short while, but it was a comfortable silence, each of them taking comfort in the fact that the expected rejection hadn't come. 

Finally, Dawn spoke again, reluctantly, "I suppose I'd better get home before Buffy notices I'm missing."They both had so much more they wanted to talk about, but there simply wasn't time.He followed as she got to her feet.He hated to see her go, especially since he didn't know when, or even if, she'd be coming back.Having to sneak around behind Buffy's back couldn't be making things easy on Dawn.He couldn't bring himself to ask if he'd see her again.All he could think to say was, "Nibblet, thanks for trusting me enough to come out here."

"I'm glad I did, Spike, and I'm glad you were willing to talk to me.I really needed for you to know that I didn't agree with Buffy."She frowned a bit then."I can't keep sneaking around at night to see you though."Spike's heart fell.Dawn continued, "I guess I'm going to have to have a major talk with Buffy.She's just going to have to accept that I AM going to visit you."

Spike gave Dawn a sad smile."Just how do you intend to convince her of that, Pet?You know how strongly she feels about this."

Dawn smiled."Yeah.I'm pretty sure I can use that against her.I'll beg her to let me visit you.I'll promise that if you really aren't willing to see me, I'll quit with the not talking to her, and I won't badger her about you again.She'll agree to it, because she's sooo sure she's right, as always!When it turns out you _are_ willing to see me, she's already given permission for me to visit."Dawn grinned somewhat evilly.

"Little Bit.You are devious."Spike's own grin matched Dawn's."I like that."He wished he really felt that optimistic, but inside he knew that Buffy wouldn't fall for that so easily.

Dawn started to head towards the door, but Spike stopped her."Dawn… Just in case it doesn't work and… I don't see you again…"He caught her up in a tight hug, lifting her off the floor and spinning her around once before finally setting her back on her feet.There were tears in both of their eyes as she left.

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At breakfast the next morning, Dawn attempted to talk with Buffy.Dawn used all of her arguments, and made all of her promises.Buffy just listened.Finally, she interrupted Dawn, "We'll talk about this later, Dawn." 

"But Buffy…"

"LATER, Dawn!Not now!"

Buffy stomped out the front door, leaving her sister sitting there, shocked and heartbroken. 

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The crypt door slammed open.Spike had been asleep and now stared bleary-eyed at Buffy stomping into his lair.*What now?She'd better not be demanding my assistance with anything!*"What do you want, Slayer?I thought we agreed you were going to leave me alone."

Buffy took a deep breath.It had taken all of her willpower to come to Spike about this, after all that had happened."Spike, I'm not here to ask for anything.Well… actually I am, but not for me.I'm here about Dawn."

"What?You drive her into running off again and expect me to help you figure out where she's hiding?" Spike didn't find that idea too surprising.*I guess Nibblet's plan didn't go as well as we'd hoped*, he thought glumly.

"No, as far as I know, she's still at home."

"Then what?"

"Spike… Dawn never agreed with my concerns about you, or with my decision to cut off all ties with you.She wants to come visit you.She's going to be inconsolable when you aren't willing to see her.Regardless of what's come between us, please don't consider Dawn to be a part of that.Be her friend again.She didn't have any say in my decision, and it's not fair to punish her for it.She's hurting so much now, and I can't do anything to make her feel better…"

Spike finally realized what the slayer was asking of him.He almost laughed out loud, but somehow managed to keep a straight face as he answered, "Of course Little Bit's welcome to come here. Why wouldn't she be?What in hell would your deciding to end our alliance have to do with her?That's only about you and me."He saw the stunned look on Buffy's face and had to struggle to keep looking serious."Tell her to come by any time she wants.Now, you on the other hand, you're… um… invading my space."He waved her towards the door.She practically stumbled out the door in utter confusion.

Once she'd gone, he doubled over with laughter.The look on Buffy's face had been priceless.She'd just automatically assumed that once she made a decision, everyone she knew was bound to it.She wasn't dealing well with the realization that she'd been wrong in her interpretation of what had occurred the other night.And although Dawn's talk with Buffy obviously hadn't gone quite as Dawn had planned, the end result was the same.He smiled and wondered when Dawn would be back.

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Dawn wasn't home when Buffy got back.Buffy spent the day just trying to figure out how she could have misjudged things so badly.When Dawn got home in the afternoon, she tried to head straight upstairs to her room, avoiding Buffy.Buffy caught her. "Dawn, it's time for that talk."

"That… talk?"

"You know, this morning?You were going on and on about Spike?I said we'd talk later.Well now is later."

Dawn sat down on the stairs, prepared to ignore the lecture that she knew was coming.Buffy looked a bit embarrassed."Dawn, I went to see Spike today."

Dawn looked up at Buffy, concerned."What for?"

"I went to ask him to let you visit."

The concern on Dawn's face turned to surprise."What happened?"

"He said it would be ok if you came to see him.Then, he pretty much threw me out on my ass."

Dawn laughed at that last part, but at the same time she jumped up and threw her arms around her sister."Buffy!Thank you!"

Buffy hugged Dawn back, glad to see her sister happy.

Dawn finally let go of Buffy and grinned broadly."I'll see you later Buffy!I'm going over to Spike's."Dawn ran out the door, making sure Buffy didn't have time to change her mind.

Buffy just sat down on the stairs, leaned her head against the wall, and sighed.


End file.
